Tag: theories

Twenty – You

2020

A new decade. 

Any day can be the day we start something fresh or close a chapter of our lives, but to me there is something invigorating and magical surrounding this time of the year. It’s a time to realign ourselves – to become even more of who and what we want to be.

Happy New Year. 

This platform is a space I created so I could be authentically and unashamedly myself. I share it with all of you because my writing is a process I use to organize the chaos in my soul and heal my spirit. If it resonates with or can help any one of you feel understood, not alone or better able to connect with someone then my purpose of sharing my thoughts is fulfilled.

That being said, I cannot muster up enough words (even for me – hard to believe, I know) to articulate the immense sense of gratitude I feel that you are taking time out of your day to read the pieces I write. If you’ve been with me since the beginning of twentysomethingchronicles or have entrusted me with your time along the way, I thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for entering into this sacred space with me.

“Just because I carry it all so well doesn’t mean it’s not heavy.”

Over the last year, my life was uprooted in more ways than one and my heart just ached with grief and fear of the future. Let me tell you something – grief and fear are one hell of a toxic combination. The anger, confusion, emptiness and emotions attached are intense. My heart felt as if it had weakened. My confidence diminished and I found myself losing sight of who I was and what direction to go in. It brought me to a place where I needed to reevaluate who and what aligns with the life I strive to create for myself. Whether it be staying complacent in any aspect of our lives or harnessing relationships with the wrong people, the universe works overtime to make us uncomfortable when our growth is being hindered.

I feel incredibly grateful for the unwavering love, support and guidance from the people I am surrounded by in my life. The people who saw the darkness overpowering my soul+spirit and refused to jump ship. These individuals are the people you instinctively cherish the most because they are the ones who love you with the same conviction as you love them, even in the moments when you can only show up in pieces. It was also in my harder times when I was introduced to some new incredibly special people. By embracing our vulnerabilities we were able to connect openly, honestly and create bonds because we saw each other through the lens of compassion.

Throughout all of this, I learned some really important lessons. Release the people who took a piece of you, your heart or your spirit. The pain they ensued was merely a reflection of them; the pain does not define who you are or your worth. You are the ONLY ONE who defines your worth. And please, do not allow the hurt to inhibit you from opening up to new people and allowing yourself to be seen as all that you are. The people meant for you will embrace you, love you and fill your life with joy and I promise you this – it will be reciprocated.

“This is your life. And if you want to change it, the first step is realizing that you’ve had the power all along.”

No one can build your life for you and you must remember that YOU (and only you) have power over what the narrative to your story is going to sound and feel like. Please know that the healing process is not linear. Some days just being able to say to yourself, “I am exactly where I need to be and I am doing the best I can do right here, right now” is enough.

The only person you can rely on showing up day in and day out for you is yourself. Show up for yourself. This is your journey and there is no right or wrong way of traveling it. Our lives are not one-size-fits-all.

Connect with your truth – what are your core values? 

Determine them. Show up for them. Be loyal to them.

These shape your behaviors and ultimately your habits. When you are aligned with these values, they dictate your day-to-day. As they say, “you can’t just talk the talk, you must walk the walk.” And as a result, you authentically love yourself. You are proud of the life you are cultivating. And you will no longer be a prisoner of other people’s judgments or malicious actions.

“The most important relationship you are ever going to have is the one you hold with yourself.”

A loving reminder from me to you – your powers come from within.

Head up, heart strong.

Magic

You don’t have to fear the darkness

Light yourself up

a flickering flame

in the home of your own soul.

And don’t you allow your heart to crack

at the hands of others

bitter words,

cold actions,

silence.

Toughen your exterior

heighten your criteria.

Not everyone should be 

granted access to your energy.

You are as pure as they come

so fuck the masses.

Cultivate your own chaos

rather than carrying the

weight of others.

You mustn’t lose

your madness,

baby   –

you are magic.

✴

Time Doesn’t Heal All Wounds.

That very moment will stay with me forever

what I was seeing just couldn’t be the truth. 

It shook me to my core,

leaving me at war.

Standing in the open,

feeling helplessly broken.

Evidence of a harsh reality.

How do I shield my heart from the pain?

You were so fucking vain. 

Willing to hurt me to make yourself feel better

it was the ultimate betrayal. 

I didn’t deserve your indifference. 

Memories flood my brain,

I’ll never be able to look at you the same. 

Empty hopes as I keep searching for ways to cope.

There’s no closure when it comes to this kind of heartbreak. 

Theories About the Universe

“I am trying to see things in perspective. My dog wants a bite of my chocolate chip bagel. I know she cannot have this, because chocolate makes dogs very sick. My dog does not understand this. She pouts and wraps herself around my leg and tries to convince me to give her a tiny bit. When I do not give in she eventually gives up and lays in the corner, under the piano, drooping so sad. I hope the universe has my best interest in mind like I have my dogs. When I want something with my whole being, and the universe withholds it from me, I hope the universe is thinking to herself: “Silly girl. She thinks this is what she wants, but she does not understand how it will hurt her” – Blythe Baird

Isn’t it ironic? That more often than not – we want the things that we cannot have. Even more so – we want the things that are bad for us. I’ve given a great time of thought to this. Because just like everyone else, I am not immune to giving into the things I desire, even when in my gut I know they are terribly wrong for me. But that is the powerful thing about the mind, we can somehow convince ourselves that these things may be good for us, just maybe they won’t hurt us. But they always do.

Now unfortunately, it generally takes getting hurt not once or twice but maybe three or four or how many number of times to finally get the universes’ message. That is the troubling thing about our generation, we never listen the first time. We think we know best and we do what we want. Personally, I find that I never figure it out the first time. I think for various reasons, including events occurring over the course of my childhood and teenage years, I have made it comfortable for people to hurt me, because I always forgive. Unfortunately though, I never forget. I have the mind of a writer. I keep everything in there. Even the things I want to forget. My truest problem is that despite the dishonestly people have handed me on silver platters, or the pain they have brought to my life – I love the people I love. It never goes away. It is both a beautiful blessing and a heart-wrenching curse to feel as deeply as I feel. But I would not change it for a second.

Everyone has their own story. We all have our troubles and our fears and our mistakes. We all have a past – it makes us who we are everyday. But I think all too often, people use these things as an excuse for why they cannot be the best person they truly can be. I could sit here and say that people have been bad to me or that life has been unfair. I could say that life handed me problems I was too young to handle or that life took away people I loved far too soon. But that is bullshit. I have been blessed with a beautiful life. I have loving parents, and three amazing brothers and despite the craziness or the dysfunction. I would not trade it for the world. It is MY dysfunction, my family, my foundation. I would never take back the heartbreak or the troubles of my teenage years, they forced me to learn hard lessons at an early age and become (as cliche as it sounds) an independent person who knows what I want and who I am.

It takes the bad to know the good. It takes absence to be able to appreciate presence. It takes understanding ourselves to be able to understand others. Life is terribly ironic.

I am writing today, because over the last nine months I have learned a lot of hard lessons. Lessons I have been faced with before – but chose to ignore. Life went to an extreme – life made me step back yesterday, wipe the tears off my face, and made me say enough is enough. I am who I am. I am not going to change. I will always be nice. I will always be genuine. I will be damned if I let people try and take that away from me. I am surrounded by honest, loving, loyal family and friends. They deserve my presence, my focus, my love. Like I said in my last post, “No. 1″, “Some people are meant to be loved from a far. That is okay. That is life.”