Seek Your(selfish)

Many times in my life I have neglected my own happiness in fear that I would be hurting the feelings of someone I care about. I’ve done it with friends, family, and lovers. Not to fault of their own. My heart is big, my soul genuine. I love, and I love unconditionally. But there is truth in the saying, “It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” I am not great at being selfish. Most of the time that I have decided to put myself before others it resulted in me feeling torn down or regretful. However, being selfish is something that every individual should practice. It is healthy for our minds and souls to be aware and active in putting ourselves first. There is a thin line between being selfish for the good and just straight out being a selfish person. One lies within conscious decision making and positive outcomes. The other can be destructive to both oneself and your relationships due to the misguided interpretation of what being selfish means. This is not black and white. This is a balancing act. Put yourself first in situations or decisions that better your quality of life. By bettering your own life, you can then contribute to the lives of the ones around you. Build yourself up so you can build up others. Choose carefully who you put before your own happiness. Just because you do it for them does not mean that the gesture will be returned. There are no guarantees in this life but one thing I know for certain is that if you follow your intuition when it comes to making connections to souls aligned with yours, you will not be left disappointed. You will find that encouragement, inspiration and happiness come easy with these people because they understand the cycle. These are the ones that will contribute to the quality of your life.

Be whole alone. Make an investment in yourself. Then share your greatness with the world.

Dark Realities

An emotionally dark place is accompanied by pain, fear, and even stages of numbness. It is a cold and lonely road. In my darkest times I have always turned to my writing. But for the first time, no amount of my words felt as if they would be powerful enough to shed light on overwhelming circumstances. I had complete writers block. Until yesterday, when it was someone else’s words that resonated with me. My friend said to me, “sometimes it’s good to release the sad, we can’t be truly happy if we don’t let ourselves express our sorrows,” he continued, “your words will come to you.” He reminded me why it was words that I always turned to. My writing brings me peace. “I write to hold on. I write to let go. I write because I am a firm believer that we do not have to go through things alone – the good and the bad.” Thank you, Isiah, for reminding me of that.

misfortune: (n) an unfortunate condition or event
sorrow: (n) a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others.

We all have our own problems or experiences that cause pain. Through my years I have learned that no experience or problem can be compared or classified as big or small. Our sadness derives from the fact that the situation at hand is close to our hearts and who or what it is matters to us, to our souls. Everyone is different. We all carry the weight of our sorrows in our own ways. Personally, I choose to suffer in silence. As a woman who is very used to being the strong and independent one, it is hard to be completely vulnerable to others. But I am trying to learn that being vulnerable isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s merely human. So, tonight, I write with a heavy heart and a bit of vulnerability.

We make sacrifices for the people we love. We give away a little bit of our hearts and ourselves to everyone that we truly love, all the while having faith that the space we clear will be filled in return. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Sometimes we are making space for others and when it is not filled we are left with a feeling of emptiness. It is an emptiness that can consume a part of your heart, leaving a void that cannot be filled. There are no promises in love. There is no written contract that states that if you generously give your time, energy and love to other people that they too must return it. It is not how life works. I’ve learned that the hard way – more than once; and I am sure that I will experience it many more times throughout my life. Sometimes our love is not enough to make people stay.

Maybe this is true. That there are some of us who give love and some of us who take love; and that those who give can’t help giving just as those who take can’t help taking; and maybe this is what holds the world in balance. [Chris Abani]

Unedited.

We are always learning something new about ourselves. Sometimes the days pass us by and we don’t even realize that we’re understanding new aspects of who we are. Then there are the rare but truly remarkable moments – an instant that washes over us and suddenly we feel as if we have a little more clarity on who we are. I love those moments. I embrace them.

I write quite often about being “lost.” If you have read my previous posts, then you know that I do not associate the feeling of being lost with negativity. Frankly, I think it is a rather useful feeling as we are each going about our own journeys. As I get older and the road gets windier, instead of seeking answers, I find myself asking more questions. The questions are endless and the roads that lead to the answers are nothing short of complex.

I am a creature of habit. I have always loved routine. I like plans and stability. But, my soul disagrees. In my young adulthood, I am learning day-in and day-out that familiar is beginning to scare me. I am finding a real sense of discomfort and unhappiness in the familiar aspects of my life. My days have begun to feel filled with familiar faces; but ones that lack consistency, loyalty, honesty and sincerity. These are merely just words on a screen but within them lies significant power and meaning. The familiar faces I am surrounded by are starting to be associated with heartbreak, distrust and ingenuity. I do not mean that these people are all specifically treating me with a lack of these virtues but they lack them in the way they treat themselves and others throughout their daily lives. It is terrible and heartbreaking.

This matter leads me to my next point. I do not know who I am in entirety but I have a great sense of independence and will to find out. I soothe my soul through writing and I feed my soul through love and exploration.

“My heart wants roots and my mind wants wings”

Aforementioned, I recently had my own moment of clarity. It was a brief moment, but one thats wake is still washing over me. My moment was well balanced as I was in an unknown city accompanied by a most familiar face. My best friend. An extraordinary human. One who speaks and lives out the virtues of consistency, loyalty, honesty and sincerity. She inspires me.

I am passionate and most inspired by ideas, attitudes and experiences. The unfamiliar excites me and traveling entices me. Traveling holds promises of worldly experience and the opportunity to continually grow and learn about myself and the wonderful things this world has to offer. I do not travel to escape, I travel to capture the very moments that I am in. I travel because when I am in an unfamiliar place or circumstance, I am the most of who I want to be.

I hope that one day I can meet someone and together we can make the most of our moments – big and small. We can travel and ask questions together. But just as I am not seeking answers, I am not going to seek for the right company. Throughout my individual journey and experiences, I am sure that I will stumble upon all the humans that are meant to be in my life, and stay. I smile at the very thought of that day.

In closing, I do not have any answers, wise advice or main point to share with you all today. Everything I just shared with you was raw and unedited. I do not have any of the answers, but I do intend to continue asking questions. So for now, I leave you all with this:

If you’re feeling lost, that is okay. If you do not have the answers, that is okay. Hold onto the moments and the people that make you feel alive. Be present with them.

“The gift of presence is a rare and beautiful gift. To come – unguarded, undistracted – and be fully present, fully engaged with whoever we are with at the moment.”

Souls

I turn twenty-three tomorrow. So as I do every year, I have reflected on my past and the impact it has made on my present. I like to take a glimpse at my experiences and decide where it will lead me during the year ahead. With a heavy heart and optimistic soul – I want to share with you all a lesson I have been learning over the course of my twenty-three years and a lesson I am still working on understanding entirely myself. Here goes nothing.

I have experienced a lot of heartbreak, especially recently. I have a big heart and I wear it on my sleeve. I am honest and loyal to the end. It is one of my greatest strengths. Unfortunately though, I often think that everyone else is like that too. Which is by no means a bad thing, however, it’s false. It is a risk to love. It can be fleeting, long-lasting or somewhere in between. Sometimes it doesn’t exist even when we think it does. That is when the head versus heart battle comes into play. More often than not, my heart says one thing while the logic in my mind tells me otherwise. My heart always wins. But my mind is always right. Everything in our lives can be a lesson if we let it. This year, my lesson came from heartbreak and it taught me about my soul.

Let me explain.

First, once I love someone, I always love them. “One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.” So as you read, you will notice I do not use the word “loved” because if you truly love someone, they remain in your heart – always. Second, I am not solely speaking of the romantic type of love. My heartache stems from both friendships and romantic involvement.

So what did these heartaches have in common? Well, they both hurt like hell. My heart aches and my eyes water thinking about it. I do not mean it in the dramatic way either. These are the type of heartaches that you carry with you for a lifetime. These type of individuals leave marks on your life and they take away a piece of your heart when they hurt you.

Someone once said, “when one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” Now, I said that I learned a very important lesson about my soul. I learned that we humans have this incredible innate ability to recognize each other by vibes. If we meet someone and the vibes are positive than we have recognized that a part of our soul aligns with the others. Now I do not mean the type of positive vibes that people use in the context of fleeting happiness or upbeat moods. I mean the type of vibe that makes you feel connected to someone instantly.

I always say that time is just a concept and I firmly believe it. I have learned and been able to welcome new people into my life with whom my soul aligns. They are the type of honest, compassionate, loyal people who connect with me on a level deeper than the surface. These type of people come into your life and you hurt when the other does and you are full of joy when they are. It is a connection so strong that is makes any heartache you have been through feel worth it. How wonderful is it to know that from something so sad can lead to a feeling so incredible.

I encourage you all to follow your vibes. Connect with people through your souls. Trust me, you will know. It is a feeling you recognize immediately. I am lucky to have a few people in my life – old and new – whose souls have found mine.

As for the ones we love, but our souls do not align – be at peace with them, remind them you love them, and send them on their way. They too deserve to find whom their souls align with.

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” -Thomas Merton

A Tribute

19801_10204114250196589_9098666379059344476_n

gord

On Thursday, May 21, 2015 the world lost a great man. A man who was very dear to me. My heart is heavy. I am weighed down by this loss that feels so immense. I am not only grieving for myself, but for my family. My heart aches. I feel as though a dark cloud casts over me. The rain has already come and gone, but I am left in the wake of the storm.

As I take each day as it comes, I am trying to figure out how I can make the best out of this time in my life. I am trying to find ways to take an experience like this and put a positive spin on it. Then it hit me, I need to do what my Uncle did for others. On Wednesday, May 29, 2015 I stood in front of friends and family, in the celebration of my uncles life and delivered a message that I would like to share with all of you.

A famous writer once said, “too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

These small, sincere acts came very naturally to my uncle Gordy. He was a man who understood and valued the significance of “the little things.” He was a compassionate man with a big heart. He had this incredible ability to make anyone feel important, cared for, and appreciated because he always took a genuine interest in others. I so admire him for that.

The greatest gift you can give someone is your time. Gordy always made time. Being around him was always enjoyable. Whether it was sitting and chatting over a cup of coffee, or looking out over Lake Winnipesaukee and sharing deeper conversation. Whatever it was, Gordy was sincerely interested. He was always in the now; focused on you and the conversation that was taking place.

Uncle Gordys ability to connect with and touch the lives of others only heightened when he was diagnosed with cancer just over five years ago. He received an outpouring of support as people rallied around him because they were drawn to his kind, loving and gentle nature. Uncle Gordy, you most certainly did not fight alone.

Thank you for teaching and constantly reminding us the significance of a kind word, a listening ear, and the smallest act of caring. We love you.

So I leave you all with this – do not underestimate “the little things.” 110% of the time they mean the most. Be kind, be loving and be generous with your time and hearts. It doesn’t cost a thing.

May you rest in the sweetest peace, Uncle Gordy. I love you.

When I Falter, You Raise Me Up

tumblr_inline_nollk5TjAS1qftuwb_540

Thursday, May 7, 2015, 7:22PM

It is an absolutely beautiful evening here. I went for a walk around the park and then sat and did my studying. I just looked up and it feels as if Grammy and Bumpa are shinning down on me. They are sending me strength and hope. I can just feel it. I’m passing on that strength and hope to you. We have all come such a long way in Uncle Gords battle with cancer and he would not have been able to fair without you by his side. You are an inspiration. I hope you realize that your generosity, love, support and kindness is a blessing to all of us in your life. There are not enough words to describe how incredible of a mother, wife, sister and friend you are. Don’t lose hope or faith. Time is only a concept. I love you, ttmab.

Ordinary Happiness.

I believe that the most delightful moments are the small, nameless ones.

Sharing a warm smile
When someone you love wraps their arms around you from behind
Admiring a sunset or sunrise
Hearing a laugh
Locking eyes with someone
Basking in the warm sun

The list goes on and on…

These are truly the moments our lives should be about. The moments that make us feel something. The small ones that make up our everyday lives, but are often overlooked. These moments hold such significance – at least to me. I have always been an admirer of “the little things.” Call me an old soul, but I find beauty and happiness in the most ordinary, simple times that life has to offer. Have you ever hugged someone, and they squeezed you just a little bit tighter or held you for just a moment longer? Have you found yourself smiling simply because someone or something came to mind? Do you feel at peace when you look at something breathtakingly beautiful – a sunset, a mountain, a smiling child, someone you love, a stranger?

In the chaos of our everyday lives, it is important to remember these moments. To appreciate how the ordinary can be extraordinary. I share these thoughts with you all today because I have recently taken some time to appreciate these moments. More often than not, we do not take the time to appreciate what makes us happy until a tragedy, a loss or a pain has struck – leaving us in a wake of longing to take moments of happiness back. When we lose someone – the first thing we do is ponder those small, nameless moments we shared with them. We pull out pictures and old writings. Those ordinary times are suddenly cherished; treasures of memory that we hold close to us for comfort.

I encourage you to be aware of the nameless moments that fill your everyday lives. Adore them. I trust that we can all value the significance of our nameless, happy moments. I can only wish that you are benefiting from these moments before they are gone. But just remember, the small nameless moments make up our everyday lives. So if one moment is gone, another one will come.

Muse – a source of artistic inspiration

Every writer needs their muse. I am most certainly inspired by many people and on goings in my life, but I definitely have found my muse. He inspires me to love, think and write deeply. He reminds me that being genuine and compassionate is not a weakness, but my greatest strength. The ironic part – he has no idea. But if he ever reads this – thank you.

“Everything Will Fall Into Place” – Those words sound comforting, don’t they? Even more so when they come from someone you love, especially when you are feeling low. If there is one thing I’ve learned over my (almost) twenty-three years of living, it is that life is messy. Days come and days go. Everything is changing while it all feels the same. How does time pass us by so quickly? We look back and cannot quite place when and where the changes began. But I think that is the point. To constantly be growing, learning and finding ourselves through the chaos of our own lives, and maybe even the lives of the people we surround ourselves with.

When i say “chaos” or “messy” – the connotation is to be interpreted by the reader. Our “chaos” or “messes” can signify sadness, heartbreak and difficult times. They can also signify beautiful, soulful, happy moments we have experienced throughout our lives. I hope that everyone who reads this has experienced both. Because I in particular feel that some of the most beautiful things come from our most painful hardships. It is how we as individuals learn and strive to be more. If everything were easy and perfect, what would motivate us to be better and exert ourselves to fill our souls with what makes us happy and whole?

Our existence is not black and white. It is an array of arresting colors and shades.

Life is always going to be messy. I can only hope that we all find what it is that will give us piece of mind. I hope that we fill our souls with what is truly meaningful to us.

All my love.

Transitions.

“Transitions in life are usually marked by major events. Birthdays, graduations, weddings. But the greater transitions often come out of smaller moments. When we stop and look at where we are. Because each time we see how far we’ve come, we also see how far we still have to go. In order to fully transform, we might need to free ourselves of everything we’ve been holding on to. To send us on our new path. The right one. But if, at the end, you find the person you’ve become is not the person you want to be, you can always turn around and try again. And maybe the next time, you won’t be so alone when it’s over.”

I absolutely love this piece of work. It is written with such beauty and elegance. It is another example of how powerful words can be when pieced together properly and written down for all to digest . Writing is a powerful pastime. Personally, I find writing to be liberating. It allows me to take all the emotions, on goings and chaos in my life and turn them into something winsome, meaningful and peaceful. It helps me to make sense of my world. I can only hope that it helps you make sense of yours, too.

I am currently going through multiple transitions in my life, as are most people. After all, life does appear to be a series of changes. Aforementioned, transitions often hail from the smaller moments in our lives. Step back and take a look at where you are, who you surround yourself with and what you are doing. Compare it to where you want to be, who you want to be surrounded by and what you want to be doing. Are they the same? If they are than I suppose you aren’t going through much transition, nor do you want to. Congratulations, you have it all figured out. However, I think it is safe to say that most of us are still searching and constantly changing. Some of us are longing for love, others want money and success, maybe you are someone who wants to travel and become cultured. Whatever it is. Whatever you are searching for – you are the only person who can free yourself from the bad, hold on to the great and create a new or extended path. We are the architects of our lives. We have the power to find what it is that we want, where we want it, with whom we want to share it. Take these small moments, reflect on them. Adjust accordingly.

As I transition through my life, my mindset is always broadening. I am learning acceptance, peace and self-happiness. I am becoming less of who I was, and more of who I want to be. I can only hope that you all do the same for yourselves. We only get one shot at this life – aspire to be the person you want to be and achieve the life you so desire.

All my love.

Get Lost. Find Yourself.

I have lost myself in the things and people I loved, I have found myself in these things too. I get lost for a little while, then I find that I learn something new about myself. It is an interesting concept. I do not always think that “getting lost” is a bad thing either. Sometimes getting lost can be fun and memorable. It can help one grow.

Have you ever been on a road trip and you take a wrong turn? End up getting lost for hours when that wasn’t the plan? Did you create new memories? Yell at and laugh with the person accompanying you on the ride to your destination? I bet if you have, they are fond memories. One time, when I was in high school, I got stuck with my two older brothers and sister-in-law on our trip home from New Hampshire. Now, if you know anything about myself and my family, my two brothers and I being stuck in a car together for any extended period of time could be described as “disastrous.” But I have to admit, it is one of my fondest memories to date. We laughed, bonded, yelled, might have cussed a bit. We were lost (literally and figuratively), but we all found out a little bit more about ourselves that day. We even found out a little bit more about each other.

Our lives are made up of millions of “road trips” (metaphorically of course) that never go quite as planned. We get lost but we always end up at the destination. Maybe not the destination we originally planned, maybe one we never even knew about, but we always end up where we should be.

I hope that you get lost. Because if you are always getting lost, you are always finding out new things about yourself, and if you are lucky – about others too.

Get lost. Find Yourself.

Tag: love