Tag: intuition

Twenty – You

2020

A new decade. 

Any day can be the day we start something fresh or close a chapter of our lives, but to me there is something invigorating and magical surrounding this time of the year. It’s a time to realign ourselves – to become even more of who and what we want to be.

Happy New Year. 

This platform is a space I created so I could be authentically and unashamedly myself. I share it with all of you because my writing is a process I use to organize the chaos in my soul and heal my spirit. If it resonates with or can help any one of you feel understood, not alone or better able to connect with someone then my purpose of sharing my thoughts is fulfilled.

That being said, I cannot muster up enough words (even for me – hard to believe, I know) to articulate the immense sense of gratitude I feel that you are taking time out of your day to read the pieces I write. If you’ve been with me since the beginning of twentysomethingchronicles or have entrusted me with your time along the way, I thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for entering into this sacred space with me.

“Just because I carry it all so well doesn’t mean it’s not heavy.”

Over the last year, my life was uprooted in more ways than one and my heart just ached with grief and fear of the future. Let me tell you something – grief and fear are one hell of a toxic combination. The anger, confusion, emptiness and emotions attached are intense. My heart felt as if it had weakened. My confidence diminished and I found myself losing sight of who I was and what direction to go in. It brought me to a place where I needed to reevaluate who and what aligns with the life I strive to create for myself. Whether it be staying complacent in any aspect of our lives or harnessing relationships with the wrong people, the universe works overtime to make us uncomfortable when our growth is being hindered.

I feel incredibly grateful for the unwavering love, support and guidance from the people I am surrounded by in my life. The people who saw the darkness overpowering my soul+spirit and refused to jump ship. These individuals are the people you instinctively cherish the most because they are the ones who love you with the same conviction as you love them, even in the moments when you can only show up in pieces. It was also in my harder times when I was introduced to some new incredibly special people. By embracing our vulnerabilities we were able to connect openly, honestly and create bonds because we saw each other through the lens of compassion.

Throughout all of this, I learned some really important lessons. Release the people who took a piece of you, your heart or your spirit. The pain they ensued was merely a reflection of them; the pain does not define who you are or your worth. You are the ONLY ONE who defines your worth. And please, do not allow the hurt to inhibit you from opening up to new people and allowing yourself to be seen as all that you are. The people meant for you will embrace you, love you and fill your life with joy and I promise you this – it will be reciprocated.

“This is your life. And if you want to change it, the first step is realizing that you’ve had the power all along.”

No one can build your life for you and you must remember that YOU (and only you) have power over what the narrative to your story is going to sound and feel like. Please know that the healing process is not linear. Some days just being able to say to yourself, “I am exactly where I need to be and I am doing the best I can do right here, right now” is enough.

The only person you can rely on showing up day in and day out for you is yourself. Show up for yourself. This is your journey and there is no right or wrong way of traveling it. Our lives are not one-size-fits-all.

Connect with your truth – what are your core values? 

Determine them. Show up for them. Be loyal to them.

These shape your behaviors and ultimately your habits. When you are aligned with these values, they dictate your day-to-day. As they say, “you can’t just talk the talk, you must walk the walk.” And as a result, you authentically love yourself. You are proud of the life you are cultivating. And you will no longer be a prisoner of other people’s judgments or malicious actions.

“The most important relationship you are ever going to have is the one you hold with yourself.”

A loving reminder from me to you – your powers come from within.

Head up, heart strong.

Magic

You don’t have to fear the darkness

Light yourself up

a flickering flame

in the home of your own soul.

And don’t you allow your heart to crack

at the hands of others

bitter words,

cold actions,

silence.

Toughen your exterior

heighten your criteria.

Not everyone should be 

granted access to your energy.

You are as pure as they come

so fuck the masses.

Cultivate your own chaos

rather than carrying the

weight of others.

You mustn’t lose

your madness,

baby   –

you are magic.

✴

Blazing Truths

What drives you?

Your pain or your compassion?

I ask this question with strong intent to understand people on a deeper level. Our hearts and minds can be messy. It’s important to communicate openly and honestly with one another about where we’ve been, where we’re at and the direction in which we want to go. Yes, that requires vulnerability – something many of us shy away from. But vulnerability allows us to be seen and heard. It is the ability to open up our hearts to one another, provide a sense of belonging and remind each other that we are worthy even if our scars have made us feel like we are not.

Each experience gives us a voice, even if it shakes. Speak your truth and be authentically yourself.  I can guarantee you will never look back and regret standing proud in who you are. If we are willing to do that then we can intentionally make our mark on the lives of those who we connect with. Time is a fickle thing so be bold in who and how you love. Whether it is short-lived or long-winded, we must speak blazing truths and indulge in divine chemistry with one another. Stay in your magic– the world truly needs it.

Head up, heart strong.

Hope on the Horizon

“Here’s the truth about grace: It probably won’t look like you expect it to. It probably won’t even really make sense to you, because it’s glorious unmerited favor, and nothing else really works that way. There are so many things in life that say to you: “You are not worthy, and you will never be worthy unless you can prove it to me.” Grace says: “I see where you are, and I know that you have been lost out here, but there is still a way home for you. And you are free to carry on that journey, even before it makes sense to you.” – MHN

A new light is shining and I am gallantly inspired. There is something simply glorious about soul connections springing into existence. Our souls have this innate ability to recognize people and environments in which we are going to lovingly blossom. It’s the most natural synergy. Meeting some people will feel so congenial it’s as if you’ve known and been missing them forever. It’s a powerful sensation that speaks to you and says I see you, I understand you and I really really like you for all that you are.

It starts with a gentle serenity and flows into a flourishing bond where calmness washes over you as hope sets on the horizon.

The universe will offer various signs and it is up to us to decide what we are going to make of them. In my humble opinion, welcome all of it. These types of bonds will nourish your soul and have you glowing. In my own experience, it is hard to “seek out” relationships like these. They have a tendency of coming knocking at your door when you had no idea you were expecting a guest. Embrace your intuitions, embrace it all.

Hope has set on the horizon. 

Head up, heart strong. 

 

Time Doesn’t Heal All Wounds.

That very moment will stay with me forever

what I was seeing just couldn’t be the truth. 

It shook me to my core,

leaving me at war.

Standing in the open,

feeling helplessly broken.

Evidence of a harsh reality.

How do I shield my heart from the pain?

You were so fucking vain. 

Willing to hurt me to make yourself feel better

it was the ultimate betrayal. 

I didn’t deserve your indifference. 

Memories flood my brain,

I’ll never be able to look at you the same. 

Empty hopes as I keep searching for ways to cope.

There’s no closure when it comes to this kind of heartbreak. 

Returning

A close friend of mine once told me that when I don’t know which way to go, be still. Furthermore, allow myself the time that I need to tune into my thoughts, intuitions and physical being.

I feel this immense sense of constantly having to move forward, take the next step, progress. It’s all so typically laid out for us; what we should be doing and have accomplished by certain ages and stages of our lives. There is a “fundamental path” in which we should follow in order to feel and be viewed as successful and fulfilled.

Truth bomb: I’ve taken ten steps forward and doubled back more times than I can count over the last five years. Always helplessly worried about how people are going to perceive me. Well, 2019 and almost-27-year-old Anna says screw it  –  we’re only human.

Everyone’s journey is different; no two exactly alike. I sometimes struggle to find the meaning in and of it all. Things in our lives can change so fast, it’s hard to catch up all the while trying to take a moment to breathe it in, and then out.

In the midst of the chaos, I forgot to embrace who I am at the root of my being.

I am Anna Toline:

wild spirit

vibrant mind

fiery heart burning with passion

warrior

I am not for everyone. That is something I can wholeheartedly accept. But, I will be damned if I settle to surround myself with people who demand that I am “too much” of anything. No one should feel as if they have to hide parts of themselves from the world.

Some people will eventually give you away. Be gentle on yourself  –  bless and release.

Be you. Be rare.

and please . . .

journey freely in your truth.

Writing is my thing. Words are my love language and my outlet to freely express. They are my security and they are my escape. Thank you for taking the time and open mind to welcome me back into this space that I have neglected for far too long. I am returning home to myself.

♡

Head up, heart strong.

Head Up, Heart Strong

Tonight I come to you unguarded. From the goodness in my heart and soul, I want to share a story with you.

Some years ago I was asked to identify five negative traits that I thought I possessed. “Easy”, I thought, “people are telling me all the time things that are wrong with me, they say…”

“You don’t have the right body”

“You’re too emotional & sensitive”

“You’re too smart – it’s intimidating”

“You’re too nice”

“You think too much”

I think I spewed those off in about 30-60 seconds flat. “The list could go on, but you said to only list five.” Following my response, they asked me to name five of my best traits. “Shit…well, uhm…” 

“I like my eyes, I definitely have pretty eyes”

“I have a big heart too”

“That’s it, that’s all I got.”

I look back in hindsight and I think to myself, “REALLY ANNA, THAT’S ALL YOU GOT?”

But at the time that really was all I had. I had been so drastically affected by the judgements of others that I couldn’t identify my worth. They had also become my own judgements of myself. Turns out as we get older, those judgements only become more frequent, harsh and wait for it …. familiar. I’ve heard it all before. There is such a thing as constructive criticism and then there is destructive criticism. Be mindful.

As I have grown, I have also become more self-aware. The things that people identified as my weaknesses turn out to be my greatest strengths and attributes. I wear them proudly like a girl scout does her badges. More significantly, I learned that being unapologetically myself is brave and beautiful. I am flawed and I embrace that. I myself, and myself only, determine my strength and weaknesses.

That moment comes back to me every time someone passes judgement on my physical, mental or emotional state. It is a gentle reminder that I am doing something right. Life is about growth and there is no growth in comfort. You grow in moments when your patience and endurance are being tested. Experiences disguised as setbacks are usually not setbacks at all, but stepping stones that put you ahead.

I feel that a lot of us have felt or do feel lost at times; free and lonely. I understand this. I have an old soul. I believe that the way I perceive the world is different. I could never make sense of it until I began to focus on my truest self. I began making connections between my relationships and my energy. I established my goals and ambitions. You can work on yourself – there is always room for improvement, in the best way.

I have said before that I think self-love and self-awareness are important. We should be comfortable alone. But it is not that cut and dry. I encourage you to expand your heart, mind and soul through friendships, exposure and vast knowledge of the unknown. Personally, that’s my kind of thrill.

Every interaction allows us to react – to think, feel and be. We do not have to have it all figured out. Life is deeper than what we see on the surface. I strongly believe that there are some things we need to work out alone. I also strongly feel that people have forgotten or don’t understand at all how beautiful it is to build and witness progression together – conquering life’s obstacles as a team. People have far too much pride and ego. They think that being vulnerable is a sign of weakness when it truly is a great testament to strength. Do not be so busy feeding your ego that you forget to feed your soul. 

Allowing myself to be open and honest has given me the chance to cultivate relationships and embrace bonds with people that I would have otherwise missed out on if I let fear of risk or rejection get in the way. We do not know what the future holds. We are never certain of our outcomes. If we did and if we were, life would be predictable and we would all be bored and stagnant.

Please be mindful of your thoughts and self-talk. Define your intentions and stop ignoring your intuitions. I encourage you to have the confidence to step out of your comfort zone. Fight for what you love and please be unapologetically yourself.

Head up, heart strong.