Dark Realities

An emotionally dark place is accompanied by pain, fear, and even stages of numbness. It is a cold and lonely road. In my darkest times I have always turned to my writing. But for the first time, no amount of my words felt as if they would be powerful enough to shed light on overwhelming circumstances. I had complete writers block. Until yesterday, when it was someone else’s words that resonated with me. My friend said to me, “sometimes it’s good to release the sad, we can’t be truly happy if we don’t let ourselves express our sorrows,” he continued, “your words will come to you.” He reminded me why it was words that I always turned to. My writing brings me peace. “I write to hold on. I write to let go. I write because I am a firm believer that we do not have to go through things alone – the good and the bad.” Thank you, Isiah, for reminding me of that.

misfortune: (n) an unfortunate condition or event
sorrow: (n) a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others.

We all have our own problems or experiences that cause pain. Through my years I have learned that no experience or problem can be compared or classified as big or small. Our sadness derives from the fact that the situation at hand is close to our hearts and who or what it is matters to us, to our souls. Everyone is different. We all carry the weight of our sorrows in our own ways. Personally, I choose to suffer in silence. As a woman who is very used to being the strong and independent one, it is hard to be completely vulnerable to others. But I am trying to learn that being vulnerable isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s merely human. So, tonight, I write with a heavy heart and a bit of vulnerability.

We make sacrifices for the people we love. We give away a little bit of our hearts and ourselves to everyone that we truly love, all the while having faith that the space we clear will be filled in return. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Sometimes we are making space for others and when it is not filled we are left with a feeling of emptiness. It is an emptiness that can consume a part of your heart, leaving a void that cannot be filled. There are no promises in love. There is no written contract that states that if you generously give your time, energy and love to other people that they too must return it. It is not how life works. I’ve learned that the hard way – more than once; and I am sure that I will experience it many more times throughout my life. Sometimes our love is not enough to make people stay.

Maybe this is true. That there are some of us who give love and some of us who take love; and that those who give can’t help giving just as those who take can’t help taking; and maybe this is what holds the world in balance. [Chris Abani]

Dare to Show Up

It can be so easy to get caught up in the negative aspects of our lives. Because lets face it, everyone is going through something. Likely, we are all dealing with more than one negative situation that just flat out sucks. Big or small, we all have troubles. Some people share their problems in the hope that maybe the world will help to solve them. Others keep their problems quiet; silently tucked away in their hearts and minds. I do not want to talk much about the negative today, nor is that what this post is about. I just wanted to recognize the simple fact that we are all facing our own set of difficulties. I also want to remind both myself and all of you to not get so immersed in your problems that they begin to consume you. When they consume you, you become unable to keep the situation in perspective. You are also inhibited from keeping the problem at bay; resulting in an inability to solve it.

ʟɪғᴇ ɪs ᴀ ʙᴇᴀᴜᴛɪғᴜʟ ᴛʜɪɴɢ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ʟᴇᴛ ɪᴛ ʙᴇ

Let the good consume you. Be filled with what excites your soul. Surround yourself with good company. Learn something new everyday. Teach something new everyday. We’re all here for the journey.

Stop talking about the past all the time, more-so, stop trying to alter it. Personally, I do not want to continue talking about what happened in the past or what the future may or may not hold. I want to live fully and wholeheartedly in the present. I made it a personal goal to look forward to everyday. This may sound cliché to some of you. But what is better than starting each day with a purpose? I do not want to just make a living, I want to [each day] build my life. Through trial and error, I am working each day to further my career. I make my heath and fitness a priority through persistence and consistency. As I travel, I am endlessly discovering who I am and experiencing things I never even knew existed. I spend time taking care of myself, so I can also take care of the ones I love. I spend time to strengthen the friendships I have and make new ones if I can. I think it is vital to remind the people in our lives that they are important to us and appreciated. I also feel that letting people know you’re thinking of them or giving out a compliment are small gestures that can make a big difference in someones day.

In closing, I am most definitely someone who likes to look at the “bigger picture” and really try to figure things out. However, as of lately, I’ve learned that taking each day and making it matter, overall, is slowly but surely changing my life in the most positive ways. If times are tough, focus on the small things that you can handle. When you make it a point to do small encouraging and constructive things in your everyday life, you begin to look forward to everyday and not just the weekend or the bigger moments. You will be amazed at how the smallest measures can lead to the biggest changes. All you have to do is show up. Trust me, it is worth showing up.

sᴛᴏᴘ ᴡɪsʜɪɴɢ. sᴛᴏᴘ ᴛᴀʟᴋɪɴɢ. sᴛᴀʀᴛ ᴅᴏɪɴɢ.

Unedited.

We are always learning something new about ourselves. Sometimes the days pass us by and we don’t even realize that we’re understanding new aspects of who we are. Then there are the rare but truly remarkable moments – an instant that washes over us and suddenly we feel as if we have a little more clarity on who we are. I love those moments. I embrace them.

I write quite often about being “lost.” If you have read my previous posts, then you know that I do not associate the feeling of being lost with negativity. Frankly, I think it is a rather useful feeling as we are each going about our own journeys. As I get older and the road gets windier, instead of seeking answers, I find myself asking more questions. The questions are endless and the roads that lead to the answers are nothing short of complex.

I am a creature of habit. I have always loved routine. I like plans and stability. But, my soul disagrees. In my young adulthood, I am learning day-in and day-out that familiar is beginning to scare me. I am finding a real sense of discomfort and unhappiness in the familiar aspects of my life. My days have begun to feel filled with familiar faces; but ones that lack consistency, loyalty, honesty and sincerity. These are merely just words on a screen but within them lies significant power and meaning. The familiar faces I am surrounded by are starting to be associated with heartbreak, distrust and ingenuity. I do not mean that these people are all specifically treating me with a lack of these virtues but they lack them in the way they treat themselves and others throughout their daily lives. It is terrible and heartbreaking.

This matter leads me to my next point. I do not know who I am in entirety but I have a great sense of independence and will to find out. I soothe my soul through writing and I feed my soul through love and exploration.

“My heart wants roots and my mind wants wings”

Aforementioned, I recently had my own moment of clarity. It was a brief moment, but one thats wake is still washing over me. My moment was well balanced as I was in an unknown city accompanied by a most familiar face. My best friend. An extraordinary human. One who speaks and lives out the virtues of consistency, loyalty, honesty and sincerity. She inspires me.

I am passionate and most inspired by ideas, attitudes and experiences. The unfamiliar excites me and traveling entices me. Traveling holds promises of worldly experience and the opportunity to continually grow and learn about myself and the wonderful things this world has to offer. I do not travel to escape, I travel to capture the very moments that I am in. I travel because when I am in an unfamiliar place or circumstance, I am the most of who I want to be.

I hope that one day I can meet someone and together we can make the most of our moments – big and small. We can travel and ask questions together. But just as I am not seeking answers, I am not going to seek for the right company. Throughout my individual journey and experiences, I am sure that I will stumble upon all the humans that are meant to be in my life, and stay. I smile at the very thought of that day.

In closing, I do not have any answers, wise advice or main point to share with you all today. Everything I just shared with you was raw and unedited. I do not have any of the answers, but I do intend to continue asking questions. So for now, I leave you all with this:

If you’re feeling lost, that is okay. If you do not have the answers, that is okay. Hold onto the moments and the people that make you feel alive. Be present with them.

“The gift of presence is a rare and beautiful gift. To come – unguarded, undistracted – and be fully present, fully engaged with whoever we are with at the moment.”

Balance

The brain is vast and powerful. Our minds are limitless and enable consciousness, perception, thinking, judgement, and memory.

Our minds have immense control. Our thoughts have power over our attitudes and actions. Positive thoughts lead to encouraging attitudes which result in beneficial actions. I am learning that as I change my mindset my life will progress in the way I want it to. I am not a negative person, I am however a sensitive one. I feel everything. The good and the bad. I carry my emotions and the emotions of the ones I love and care for. I wouldn’t change it for the world but someone very wise once told me that I need to be a swinging door rather than a sponge. I need to allow myself to feel the emotions as I must and then let them go. I am still working on it.

Multiple times in my life I have found myself lost and slightly off track. At these times my head, heart and actions have not aligned. I have always held myself up to high standards and put myself under pressure to reach and even succeed in aspects of my life. But in order to achieve that, I must find balance. In the chaos of everyday life, it is easy to hone in on a few aspects of our lives and neglect the other facets that need care – including our own physical and psychological responsibilities. The process of creating and maintaining a balanced life may not be an easy task for all but it is important and achievable. I say this because I have done it before and I will do it again.

Personally, finding balance all starts with my mind. I am a thinker. An analyzer. I like to observe, perceive, and reflect. I can be simple yet complicated. I am calm yet chaotic. I find myself focused and completely scatterbrained at the same time. Paulo Coelho once said, “life has many ways of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once.” Over the last few months, life has tested me. Life has thrown many obstacles and teachable moments my way. I did not fail but I did in fact lose balance. My heart was hurting, my head knew that I was losing balance but my actions weren’t changing in a positive way. Chaos can do that to a person. Grief especially can do that to someone.

I share this with you because losing balance can hurt our own souls but also the ones that we love. I encourage you to find balance in the chaos of what is your life. Spend time with your parents and family, make memories with friends, work hard at a career. Adventure. Travel. Expand your horizons by opening your minds. Learn new things about yourself and others. Be vast and brilliant as you all are.

Resilience

The past is never far. We carry it with us. Sometimes it becomes a part of who we are. Other times it is a distant memory. Every experience in our lives contributes to shaping the truest form of ourselves as we exist in the present and who we become in the future. Through pain and happiness, trial and triumph, we learn something new about ourselves and what it is that makes us the most of who we are and all we want to be.

Throughout my life one of the greatest strengths I have developed is the ability to be resilient. I have learned and built skills to endure both the past and impending adversity in my life. I made the decision years ago that I would take the toughest experiences in my life and transform them into learning the greatest lessons about myself. My decision to do so has liberated me in a way that most do not understand is possible when bad things happen. Being sad, resentful or angry for more than a short period of time never did work for me. I always allow myself to take the time I need to deal with the situation at hand whether it be an argument, heartbreak, death or so on. All the meanwhile continuing to move forward both physically and psychologically. I was in a dark place once – it was lonely and cold. Being angry at the world or another individual only hurts oneself. Be patient when you find yourself suffering. You can learn some wonderful traits about yourself all while building character as you see fit. Take what life throws at you and be afflicted with great fortitude.

A Tribute

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gord

On Thursday, May 21, 2015 the world lost a great man. A man who was very dear to me. My heart is heavy. I am weighed down by this loss that feels so immense. I am not only grieving for myself, but for my family. My heart aches. I feel as though a dark cloud casts over me. The rain has already come and gone, but I am left in the wake of the storm.

As I take each day as it comes, I am trying to figure out how I can make the best out of this time in my life. I am trying to find ways to take an experience like this and put a positive spin on it. Then it hit me, I need to do what my Uncle did for others. On Wednesday, May 29, 2015 I stood in front of friends and family, in the celebration of my uncles life and delivered a message that I would like to share with all of you.

A famous writer once said, “too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

These small, sincere acts came very naturally to my uncle Gordy. He was a man who understood and valued the significance of “the little things.” He was a compassionate man with a big heart. He had this incredible ability to make anyone feel important, cared for, and appreciated because he always took a genuine interest in others. I so admire him for that.

The greatest gift you can give someone is your time. Gordy always made time. Being around him was always enjoyable. Whether it was sitting and chatting over a cup of coffee, or looking out over Lake Winnipesaukee and sharing deeper conversation. Whatever it was, Gordy was sincerely interested. He was always in the now; focused on you and the conversation that was taking place.

Uncle Gordys ability to connect with and touch the lives of others only heightened when he was diagnosed with cancer just over five years ago. He received an outpouring of support as people rallied around him because they were drawn to his kind, loving and gentle nature. Uncle Gordy, you most certainly did not fight alone.

Thank you for teaching and constantly reminding us the significance of a kind word, a listening ear, and the smallest act of caring. We love you.

So I leave you all with this – do not underestimate “the little things.” 110% of the time they mean the most. Be kind, be loving and be generous with your time and hearts. It doesn’t cost a thing.

May you rest in the sweetest peace, Uncle Gordy. I love you.

When I Falter, You Raise Me Up

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Thursday, May 7, 2015, 7:22PM

It is an absolutely beautiful evening here. I went for a walk around the park and then sat and did my studying. I just looked up and it feels as if Grammy and Bumpa are shinning down on me. They are sending me strength and hope. I can just feel it. I’m passing on that strength and hope to you. We have all come such a long way in Uncle Gords battle with cancer and he would not have been able to fair without you by his side. You are an inspiration. I hope you realize that your generosity, love, support and kindness is a blessing to all of us in your life. There are not enough words to describe how incredible of a mother, wife, sister and friend you are. Don’t lose hope or faith. Time is only a concept. I love you, ttmab.

Expression

I strive to be a woman of eloquence. A woman full of soul and of meaning. Through my writing, I achieve a sense of such eloquence. I write to hold on. I write to let go. I write because I am a firm believer that we do not have to go through things alone – the good and the bad. We have the ability to connect with each other by sharing and expressing how we feel about our experiences. It is liberating to be able to convey emotions through the arts. Writing, singing, dancing, drawing, painting & photographing. All of these talents allow us to expose ourselves with ease. My ability to express myself through words helps make sense of my views on this world. I do not write to speak. I write to inspire. I write with the desire to brighten the day of someone reading my post. I want the words that people read to be simple yet powerful. I want people to feel something when they read what I compose.

Our lives are like a puzzle, and everyday we are adding new pieces to complete what our life will be made up of. That moves me. I find comfort in the fact that we have passion and purpose.

Edward Lewis said,

“We define ourselves by the best that is in us, not the worst that has been done to us.”

This blog, my posts & these words that you read are me. My writing is how I define myself. I am sharing with all of you, what I feel is the best in me.

Muse – a source of artistic inspiration

Every writer needs their muse. I am most certainly inspired by many people and on goings in my life, but I definitely have found my muse. He inspires me to love, think and write deeply. He reminds me that being genuine and compassionate is not a weakness, but my greatest strength. The ironic part – he has no idea. But if he ever reads this – thank you.

“Everything Will Fall Into Place” – Those words sound comforting, don’t they? Even more so when they come from someone you love, especially when you are feeling low. If there is one thing I’ve learned over my (almost) twenty-three years of living, it is that life is messy. Days come and days go. Everything is changing while it all feels the same. How does time pass us by so quickly? We look back and cannot quite place when and where the changes began. But I think that is the point. To constantly be growing, learning and finding ourselves through the chaos of our own lives, and maybe even the lives of the people we surround ourselves with.

When i say “chaos” or “messy” – the connotation is to be interpreted by the reader. Our “chaos” or “messes” can signify sadness, heartbreak and difficult times. They can also signify beautiful, soulful, happy moments we have experienced throughout our lives. I hope that everyone who reads this has experienced both. Because I in particular feel that some of the most beautiful things come from our most painful hardships. It is how we as individuals learn and strive to be more. If everything were easy and perfect, what would motivate us to be better and exert ourselves to fill our souls with what makes us happy and whole?

Our existence is not black and white. It is an array of arresting colors and shades.

Life is always going to be messy. I can only hope that we all find what it is that will give us piece of mind. I hope that we fill our souls with what is truly meaningful to us.

All my love.

Tag: experience